


Never Be

by Bluejay20



Series: When You Were Ours [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander fucked up again, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Intrusive Thoughts, Modern AU, Multi, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Panic Attacks, Songfic, Substance Abuse, Thomas Jefferson and the Marquis de Lafayette are Twins, Thomas really loves Laf, laf pronouns are they/them, polyamorous, probably not, unedited, will they ever get back together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8778982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluejay20/pseuds/Bluejay20
Summary: She's not them, and she'll never be.  Or.  Alexander gets a new girlfriend only months after his divorce, this is everyone's reaction.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There are slight descriptions of intrusive thoughts and panic attacks. As well as some mentions of substance abuse in this. 
> 
> Song: She's Not Me Pt 1 and 2 by Zara Larsson.

_She doesn't love you like I do_  

The news spread fairly quickly. Much too quickly for all the parties involved. It started as simple rumors, soft hushes and murmurs.  

"Have you heard, Hamilton already found someone new?"  

The gossip spread like wildfire throughout the entire workplace. No place was left untouched by the words that everyone spoke, Thomas Jefferson was no exception. Therefore, when he heard this, he immediately texted his twin Lafayette, to see if they had any idea.  

They seemed indifferent about the situation.  

But deep down, Jefferson knew that Laf was hurting.  

 _She doesn't have my name_  

"Who does he think he is, trying to replace us within a month and a half of breaking up that – that – orphan bastard,"  

John hiccuped angrily, sipping the alcohol that was in his cup gingerly. Out of the three, John easily had the worst methods of coping with the fact that Alexander betrayed their trust. Turning to whisky, vodka, anything that would burn his throat and fog his memories of the previous days before.  

Hercules sighed, relying back on nodding and humming in agreement, but not doing anything to soothe John's racing mind. It was hopeless, he rapidly figured out.  

"Hamilton is _my_ name. _Our_ name. She will never have it,"  

 _However she tries to act like it,_ _She'll never be the same_  

Jefferson felt uneasy watching Hamilton prance around the cabinet debate, happily. His neck had splotches of dark bruised hickeys lining the side of it, and he made sure everyone in the room made notice of it. Especially Jefferson, when he spoke to him he'd incline his head so that the light shine directly on the eight hickeys that marked his neck.  

Yes, eight.  

Jefferson had counted.   

 _But she's new and she's beautiful_  

The moment Laf met her, they realized they couldn't hate her.  

It was impossible.  

It was an introduction that was never suppose to happen, but magically the world seemed to be against them. They were in Jefferson's office, waiting for their twin to be done with work so both of them could get lunch. That's when Hamilton walked in, with his girlfriend trailing behind.  

Jefferson tensed at the newcomer, Laf forced themselves to continue to take deep breaths to save themselves from a panic attack, Alexander shuffled on his feet uncomfortably and the girl, she simply smiled, bowed her head respectfully to Laf – almost as if she didn't realize who they were, and she probably didn't – and shook their hand.  

"Elizabeth Schuyler. It’s a pleasure to meet you,"  

 _You've_ _never_ _been in a fight_  

The moment John met her, he almost puked at how disgustingly cute the new couple was.  

John went to a bar nearby his house shared with Hercules and Laf, trying to get away from the memories of Alexander, only to see him at the very bar he ran away to.  

She was there, beautiful dark hair pinned back, simple makeup flawlessly applied to her face, and a smile on her lips that caused everyone to brighten in her presence.  

John watched with narrowed eyes. Alexander's eyes wandered over to other women and men alike and drank in their figures, only to be brought back to reality when his girlfriend playfully smacked him on the arm.  

"Stop looking at other people," she chuckled with warning, snuggling closer to his side.  

"Of course, my love,"  

The two continued their date. John's alcohol consumption continuing to rise as he painfully realized his life was a bad soap opera.  

He jerked upwards when he saw the girl point in his general direction, and Alexander nodded solemnly. Both of them walking over to stand in front of John, who sneered angrily at them.  

"Hey, Laurens," Alexander greeted tensely.  

"Hamilton," John snapped, turning towards the kind dark eyed girl, "Who are you?"  

She didn't seem phased by his angered greeting, opting to smile and take his hand instead,  

"Call me Eliza,"  

 _Yeah_ _it's_ _awfully perfect now_  

The moment Hercules met her, he sighed at how young and naive she really was.  

Hercules was on a date with Laf and John, the first one since the divorce for it was hard to function without a fourth member of their relationship.  

That's when she came bouncing up. Her smile was present, but not threatening. Not menacingly. Simply a smile, her hands drawn behind her back and her head slightly lowered to claim inferiority to the three of them sitting in front of her.  

"Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to say hi again, Laf, John," she turned fully to smile at Hercules' "And I'm sorry, but I don’t think I quite got your name,"  

"Mulligan. Hercules Mulligan," he smiled gently, taking small hand in his larger one and shaking. "Who may you be?"  

Before she could respond, John cut in.  

"Eliza. _Alexander's girlfriend,_ "  

 _But you just know deep inside_  

But at three different times. As they quickly scanned her over, looking for her perfection, her imperfections, her style. They realized one thing fairly quickly.  

 _She's not me_  

Laf rose to their feet, towering over the smaller people in the room with their vast height difference. They took her hands into theirs and pressed a soft kiss on her knuckles, mentally noting how soft her hands were compared to theirs.  

When they were together, Alexander had always marveled how beautiful his large hands were. He was fascinated by them.  

They greeted her in French, causing her to giggle into her free hand.  

She didn't know French.  

That'd be difficult considering Alexander enjoyed bad mouthing people in French while in public. It was a hobby the two of them shared.  

He could feel his forced smile turn into a smirk.  

 _She's not me_  

John's face twisted into a shit eating grin at the sight of Alexander's girlfriend.  

Drunk as he may have been during their first meeting, he could point out difference that Alexander would most obviously hate between the two of them.  

Her face was free of stars, as Alexander had so affectionately called him. John, on the other hand, had freckles all over him. Looking as if someone had paint splattered his entire face. 

She had dark hair, thin. Not good for pulling, and oh did Alexander love pulling. John held the curly, unruly mop of hair on his head. With thick curls, it showed the world that like his hair he, too, was untamable. 

Her eyes were kind, endearing. Not challenging, seemingly more reserved. John, like Alex, kept the challenging stare. Glaring daggers at anyone who dared disrespect them.  

He let out a bitter laugh, taking her cheeks with his hands he brought her in for a sloppy kiss on the cheek.  

He smirked when he pulled away, "Ah this is rich. Truly!"   

 _She's not me_  

Her hands twitched ever so slightly. She was unsteady, unlike Herc. Who's hands were gentle and delicate, never shaking and never twitching.  

Alex had always liked the ease of his hands, which he loved them running through his scalp and gently threading his hair into braids.  

She was short, even shorter than Alexander which was saying something. Hercules had used his height in all aspects for his relationship with the immigrant. Carrying him, pinning him, everything he used his height for Alexander had relished in and giggled at.  

Hercules sighed, she was too naïve. Too gentle. Unprepared for Alexander and what it takes to handle him.  

 _Baby, she's not me._  

The three of them knew that she wasn't them.  

Hell, Alexander even knew that she wasn't them.  

 _Does she make you feel wanted like I did_  

Alexander could feel his eyelid slowly dropping. He was so tired, unbarely so. His finical plan had finally gotten through, but now he wanted to propose something new. Something Jefferson was going to reject, as always.  

He didn't stop writing though, he had to get his plan through congress.  

He could hear a knock on the door, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. None of his significance ever knocked..Oh, right.  

"Eliza, come in," he answered, attempting to rub away his incoming headache.  

The gentle soul danced her way across the room, spinning around him to plant a kiss on his cheek. "Alexander, its getting late, you should come to bed,"  

"This is very important,"  

"I know," she sighed regertfully, placing one more kiss on his cheek. "Well, I'm going to sleep. Be in soon," she said, leaving Alexander with his work and his thoughts.  

He felt guilty watching her go. Felt guilty for wishing it was John who came bouncing through the door. For wishing it was John who planted a kiss on his cheek like he always did. He didn't want her to leave, he wanted her to be like John. To sit in his lap and watch as he did his work, keep his mind from running to far from the present. Animatedly using his hands to talk about his day to keep Alexander distracted.  

Eliza didn't deserve this.  

 _Make you feel like_ _you're_ _the one thing that matters_  

When Alexander had come home from a long day of debating with Jefferson, he collapsed on the couch painfully. The only need he wanted was to curl up and cry. Let out all his emotions that he's been building up inside, but he was unable to do so.  

He waited patiently for Hercules to come home. To kiss the back of his neck and whisper that everything was okay. But, once again, he felt his chest tighten when he remember Hercules wasn't returning to him anytime soon.  

Eliza was home, but she didn't pay much attention as he fell on the couch. Believing that Alexander needed some time for himself. Which was true, he needed plenty of time for himself. But time to himself, by himself, alone led to thoughts. Thoughts he was much better without.  

Thoughts Hercules skillfully could remove. With his gentle hands and equally gentle voice.  

Alexander missed Herc more than words could explain, but he wasn’t about to tell Eliza.  

Eliza didn't deserve this.  

 _You let her head rest on your chest, but when you close your eye_ _s._  

He held her closely to his beating heart, the noise lulling her into a deep sleep.  

She was beautiful, everyone knew it. Everyone could tell. Her highcheek bones, friendly smile, dark eyes, plump lips. She was the image of perfection.  

She was beautiful, but she wasn't mesmerizing.  

Not in the way Laf was.  

The way they wore heels that made them at least a foot taller, or how their hair was always unmangably gorgeous, how their winged eyeliner and smoky eye always looked like an artist themselves had painted it on them. And it was true, for the most part, Laf was in fact an artist.  

As she placed her head on his chest, he couldn't help but close his eyes, and imagine that someone else was lying there with  him.  

 _You'll be seeing my face again_ _,_ _I_ _'ll_ _be crossing your mind_  

He imagined a beautiful person on top of him, someone who is twice his size. Curly mop of hair, chocolate brown eyes. Lafayette was a godsend, no one can tell him otherwise.  

 _You'll be dreaming on places we went and then you'll wake up to find._  

It was a sleepless slumber that night. Restless, unfilling. His bed wasn't filled with four other bodies. He wasn't pressed up against Laf's back and John's chest, while somehow skillfully holding Herc's hand in between the tangle of limbs.  

It was uncomfortably lonely without a full bed, he quickly learn with his time apart from the others.  

When he dreamt, it never strayed away from them. But he woke up, and he had to pretend he wasn’t disappointed.  

 _She's not me_  

He pretended he didn't miss the way John's body curled in on him, when he attempted to move out of bed.  

 _She's not me_  

He pretended he didn't miss the smell of Hercules cooking breakfast downstairs; 

 _She's not me_  

He pretended he didn't miss the sound of Laf's voice flowing throughout the room like an angel.  

 _Remember, that she's not me_  

He pretended he didn't miss them.  

 _Said I wonder now, yeah I wonder how you've been_  

"Laurens, why are you calling me,"  

Jefferson could barely contain the aggravation and sleepiness out of his voice. His brother-in-law never called him, and if he did it was only ever to speak about Laf and want they needed or wanted for gifts, entertainment and the occasional, 'Do you have any embarrassing pictures of Laffy,'  

But he never got a call at four in the morning, with Laurens slurring and giggling on the other line.  

"I have a question to ask you," John slurred out, the faint sound of more alcohol being poured could be heard over the phone.  

"Only if you put down the alcohol and go to sleep afterwards,"  

It was quiet, before Laurens spat out a fine and collapsed on a surface Thomas could only assume was his couch.  

"Thank you, now what do you ne-"  

"How is he?"  

 _Are you happy?_  

Thomas was taken back by the question. Rolling out of bed and tiredly stumbling to the kitchen as to not awake the peacefully sleeping James. "Who?" 

"Alexander, is he happy?"  

 _Is she still the one?_  

That’s how Thomas found himself in the strange situation of talking to his brother-in-law till dawn. The sun rose up on the horizon, and his eyes felt droopy and tired. But John countined rattling off questions about his ex, which Jefferson now probably shouldn't have answered.  

"No,"  

"She's not the one?"  

"No," Thomas replied again, punctuating the response with a yawn, "You three are what Hamilton needs, he just doesn't realize that yet,"  

"Huh,"  

 _Are you having fun?_  

James came crawling out of the confinements of his room at the sound of his alarm. His eyebrows raised when he saw Thomas on the phone, attempting to stay awake.  

"Thomas, how long have you been awake?"  

Thomas shrugged, opening his mouth to respond to another question that John had asked.  

"I don't know how much fun he could be having. I don't talk to him about his personal life anymore,"  

 _Is it for real?_  

James grasped the phone, much to Thomas' chagrin and raised it to his ear.  

"He misses you all, that much is certain. But I personally say, screw him. Don't give him the satisfaction of running back, you three don't deserve him."  

 _Baby,_  

 _"_ Thank you,"  

 _Cause I'll be waiting here_  

John hung up quickly after that. The alcohol had already drained from his system, the sun was slowly rising and talking to Jefferson made him feel better. Somewhat.  

John was weak. Very weak.  

He would crawl back to Alexander if he gave him the chance.  

 _Another week, or month, or year_  

Its been months, and John would be lying to himself if he said he didn't miss Alexander and everything he had to offer.  

 _If you're lonely_  

Laf and Hercules had found themselves in the unfortunate position of being back at Jefferson's job. This meant, the possibilities of running into Alexander were high. And oh how they world was never in their favor.  

Alexander was there, but so was Eliza.  

She was perched on his lap, both of them whispering sweet nothings to each other and giggling every now and then. All Hercules and Laf could do was watch miserably, with dull and envious eyes.  

Laf could tell though, that Alexander wasn't happy. His eyes lacked the usual shine it held when holding someone he loved, he seemed far to into his mind to think about what was going on around him.  

 _God I wish I knew everythin_ _g_  

Alexander could feel his exes eyes bore into him, and it took everything in his power not to meet their gaze. Not to pry Eliza off of him and run towards them. Kissing them everywhere possible, reminding them that he still loved them.  

 _About the two of you_  

All he could do was respond helplessly to Eliza's statements every now and then. Putting them at the far backs of his mind.  

 _Won't you tell me_  

He won't think about them.  

Or, at least he could try.  

 _Does she have any humor?_ _Does she laugh at your jokes?_  

"That's not funny, Alexander!"  

Eliza had basically all out pouted when Alexander told a not so go lucky joke, but nevertheless it had Alexander clutching his side almost in tears.  

"Calm down, 'Liza, it was just a joke," he responded when he managed to get his breath back.  

Eliza scoffed, "A mean one,"  

Then he said it. Something he'd regret later in life, something he shouldn't have said but alas there they were.  

"Laf would've found it funny,"  

It was tense silence for the rest of the night.  

 _Can she look past the rumors?_ _Does she know how it goes?_  

Rumors were nothing new to Alexander Hamilton. It basically came in the job description. His opponents, Jefferson and Madison, loved spreading rumors about him to the press and public. Things that he could easily brush off without a second thought.  

Eliza, was not use to these rumors.  

She'd been with Alexander for less than a month and yet here they were, Eliza unable to determine the lies from the truth.  

They had gotten in a heated argument about yet another rumor that was going out. But nevertheless, as harsh as it was, Alexander yet again had to bring another one of his exes involved.  

"Hercules wouldn't have pestered me about this,"  

Eliza left the house and didn't return till the morning light shined through the house.  

 _Or is it none of my business?_  

They held each other's gazes for what felt like an eternity. Dark eyes locking onto dark eyes, each scanning for an answer but receiving none.  

"Is it none of my business?" John had spoken after a bit longer of silence.  

"No,"  

The answer he had given John almost had them reeling.  

"What?"  

"It is your business," the man in front of John quickly backtracked, "I cheated on you, if you want to know how my life is then I'll tell you,"  

Alexander sighed, taking another sip of his lukewarm coffee.  

 _Do you go to the movies?_ _Do you make out in the park?_  

"She isn't you," Alexander had mumbled blankly, absentmindedly reaching over the table to grasp John's hand with his.  

John had to resist the urge to yank it back.  

"She's fun, she's sweet, she's kind, but she isn't you. Or Laf, or Hercules."  

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" John responded gently, "Wouldn't want her to be like us? Could cheat on her, hmm?"  

"I didn't cheat on you three because-"  

"I didn't come for a reason of you cheating," John quickly cut the babbling man off, "I came to ask how are you treating her."  

Alexander grew silent, looking up he met John''s cold eyes.  

"We don't go on dates. Not like the ones we use to go on. It kinda hurts."  

 _Do you stay up for hours, and just talk and talk?_  

"She doesn't like staying up late. Doesn't like getting to philosophical. Says it scares her," Alexander paused to take another sip of his drink, "I don't blame her, it is kind of scary. I just miss it. I miss being with you, John."  

Alexander brought John's hand to his lips, just as he was about to press a soft kiss to their knuckles, John yanked it back and sneered angrily.  

 _Or is it none of my business?_  

"You disgust me, Hamilton," 

 _Does she know about the bracelets? There were two of a kind._  

Jefferson couldn't help but let his sight slip to Alexander's wrist when the man used his arms animatedly. A gold bracelet latched to his right wrist, small diamonds lined the golden band.  

It wouldn't usually bother him. What Alexander does is none of his concern anymore. He doesn't have to watch out to make sure he wasn't hurting Lafayette.  

But the band on his wrist was eerily similar to the one Laf always had. They never took it off, but also refused to tell Jefferson where he got it. As if stating the name was a curse.  

He finally realized why . 

 _Did you save, did you save it?_ _Like I did mine._  

"You saved it?!"  

Laf flinched at Jefferson's loud voice booming throughout the living room.  

"What else was I suppose to do?" Laf sneered back as well as they could, rising to their feet to match their twin's demeaning height. "I know for a fact John and Hercules saved theirs too,"  

"Why? He-he's a bastard, a whoreson, a-"  

"Don't talk about him like that,"  

"Laf..." 

"Stop,"  

 _Or is it none of my business?_  

"I miss him, Thomas,"  

"I.."  

"I miss him. I need him,"  

"You don't," Thomas sighed, almost shaking at the heartbroken voice Laf held. "You never did,"  

 _Would it make any difference if I got you alone?_  

Alexander felt as if everything was closing down on him. He was curled up outside of his porch, head in his hands as he rocked slowly.  

Humming to himself, attempting to soothe his racing mind and impending panic attack. He could hear a door open slowly and steps nearing towards him, but it was blurred. Foggy in the back of his mind. He didn't register someone was in front of him until he felt hands comforting placed on his shoulders.  

"Why are you at my house?"  

 _If I called would you listen?_ _Would you hang up the phone?_  

Alexander jerked upwards, head crashing into the wall behind him.  

Both of them winced at the impact.  

He felt a hand in his hair, rubbing softly at the tender spot.  

"Why are you at my house?"  

"What? No hi?" Alexander teased, but in the end it came out choked and bothered.  

"Hello, Alexander," Hercules mumbled, rolling his eyes softly. He scanned his eyes gently, trying to find Alexander's real intention for showing up. But instead only coming up with panic and fear.  

"Hey," Alexander responded, "Well, I, like, sort of just showed up here. I'd go home, but I don’t think I can exactly drive-"  

He got caught off when he was lifted up in the air. Head pressed against Herc's beating heart.  

"What are you?"  

"We missed you,"  

 _Or is it none of my business?_  

"I missed you all too," Alex whined softly into Herc' chest. He was placed on the couch, thick and soft blankets wrapped around him for warmth.  

"What's the matter?" Herc whispered, attempting not to speak to loudly in fear of walking up his significant others.  

"I, I dunno. I don't know what caused it. I've been feeling more pressured lately, and Eliza doesn’t know how to handle it. It's just, awkward, I'm sorry I came back but habit, I guess," Alex rambled off, curling even more underneath the blankets.  

They continued to talk for a half an hour, until Alex's panic attack subsided. Hercules left to go upstairs, allowing Alex to sleep on the couch and leave in the morning.  

 _She's not me – and she'll never be_  

When Alexander woke up, he was slightly stunned when he felt a body curl in on him. A thick sleepy Southern accent whining, and arms wrapping around his waist and burning him closer to his chest.  

"John?" Alexander mumbled tiredly, twisting awkwardly to see John's sleeping face.  

"Shut up, let me pretend,"  

 _N_ _ever be, never be_  

And pretend they did.  

Alexander and John pretended they were together once again.  

 _She's not me – and she'll never be_  

Alexander could smell Hercules' food rising out from the kitchen. The smell almost inviting enough to let him leave the warmth that John provided. It smelt like Alexander's favorite.  

It smelt like home.  

"Hercules' is cooking my favorite?" Alexander muttered.  

"He hasn't cooked since you left, let him pretend,"  

 _N_ _ever be, never be_  

And pretend he did.  

Alexander pretended that Hercules was still his, and they he was hill Herc's.  

 _She's not me – and she'll never be_  

Laf's voice was soft, almost unheard of. But their voice was still beautiful, still like an angel. Angelic and mesmerizing, nothing could compare to their soft yet powering voice.  

No matter how empowering, their voice wavered. Seemingly uncomfortable.  

"Laf sounds off," Alexander stated.  

"They haven't sung since you left, let them pretend,"  

Pretend Alexander let them do.  

 _N_ _ever be, never be._  

This was home for Alexander. This is what home felt like.  

Of course he missed this.  

How could he not.  

But this wasn't his anymore.  

All he could do was pretend.  

 _She's not me._  

 

 


End file.
